So, this is a humble appeal to you nameless wanderers:  Come visit us next semester.  “But Alex!” you say, “I’d love to come and play DDR, but I need to read through the Twilight books just one more time!” Nonsense.  I assure you, our company is far superior to such drivel.

Perhaps you’re almost on the verge of showing up, but your crippling social anxiety is preventing you from taking the plunge.  You needn’t worry about that:  Studies show that 73% of our new members are hilariously inept when it comes to public gatherings involving more than 4 people and a case of Mountain Dew.  Further studies show that 92% of those social misfits made a complete recovery and are now charming, witty, and attractive members of society.

So please, you owe it to yourself.  Come have some fun with us next semester.